How to Stop People Pleasing
I never thought I was a people pleaser.
It sounded like something other people did. You know, the ones who say “yes” to everything, who bake for the school fundraiser even when they’re exhausted, who nod politely while their boundaries are being trampled. That wasn’t me… or so I thought.
And then one day, I caught myself in the act.
It was such an ordinary moment. I’d done something, nothing huge, just a small choice that I thought was the right thing to do for the situation. But when I stopped and looked at it honestly, I realised I’d made the decision based on what I thought the other person wanted. Not on what I wanted. Not on what felt aligned for me.
In that instant, I saw it…..I’d left myself behind.
People Pleasing isn’t always Obvious
The truth is, people pleasing isn’t always about grand, dramatic gestures. It can be subtle. Sneaky. Sometimes it’s in the tone you use when you agree to something you don’t actually want to do. Sometimes it’s in the pause before you speak, where you edit your words so they land softly and don’t ruffle any feathers. And often, like in my case, it’s an autopilot reaction that happens before you even realise it.
People pleasing is our survival brain kicking in. Something triggers us; a look, a tone, a request, an expectation, and before we know it, we’re doing whatever we think will make things ok again. We try to fix it by helping, by smoothing, by bending ourselves into shapes that feel safe in the given moment.
But here’s the thing:
We don’t actually feel safe.
Not deep down.
The Toilet Epiphany - Let me paint the picture.
I’d just made one of those “keep everyone happy” decisions. On the outside, it probably looked perfectly fine. But my body was telling a different story. And I noticed it in the most unlikely place… while I was sitting on the toilet.
(Yes, you read that right. The toilet. Stay with me — there’s a point to this.)
As I sat there, I suddenly felt it; an agitation, a restless buzzing in my body. My nervous system was on edge. There was a tightness in my chest, a little knot of discomfort in my stomach. My thoughts were spinning, like there was something I was trying to push away.
I realised…This wasn’t about the decision I’d made. It was about why I’d made it.
The agitation was the part of me that wanted to be heard, the part that knew I hadn’t acted from my truth. And underneath that agitation, hiding quietly, were two old companions: guilt and fear.
The Hidden Emotions
That’s the thing about people pleasing. It often hides deeper emotions we don’t want to face.
For me, it was:
Guilt that if I put my needs first, I might hurt someone else’s feelings, and
Fear of what might happen if I didn’t keep the peace. Fear that someone might pull away, be upset, or even leave.
When those emotions are running the show, our survival brain says, “Quick! Fix it! Make them happy!”
And so we do. But it costs us — it costs us the connection to ourselves.
The Power of a Pause
After my toilet epiphany, I washed my hands, walked out, and instead of diving straight into the next task on my list, I gave myself a moment. I stood still. I tuned in. I asked myself:
“What’s actually happening in my body right now?”
“What do I really feel?”
“What’s mine and what belongs to someone else?”
That pause, that tiny pocket of awareness, was everything.
And that’s why I’m writing this. Because the message isn’t just about noticing when you’re people pleasing. It’s about creating a moment of space to catch yourself. And then to be gentle with yourself.
Your Body Always Knows
Our minds are clever. They can justify just about anything. But your body? Your body tells the truth.
When you’re people pleasing, your body might feel:
Restless or jittery
Tight in the chest or shoulders
Heavy in the stomach
Like you’re bracing for something
Or even numb like you’ve disconnected altogether
These sensations are signals. They’re not there to shame or embarrass you. They’re there to guide you back to yourself. The body always speaks before the mind. The signals of the body send the impulse to the brain which then formulates the “appropriate (or safe) response. That’s why, without observation and awareness, we repeat the same patterns, make the same choices and behave according to the deeply written story within us.
Finding the Space of You
You don’t need a meditation cushion, a quiet beach, or an entire afternoon to reconnect with yourself (though those are lovely). Sometimes, it’s as simple as taking a breath in the middle of the day. Sometimes, yes, it’s while you’re on the toilet; because it’s the only place you have two minutes to yourself.
The important thing is to STOP
To observe.
To feel.
To listen.
When you do, you create a gap between your automatic reaction and your conscious choice. That gap is gold.
It’s in that gap you can ask:
“What do I actually want here?”
“What feels true for me?”
“What would I choose if I wasn’t afraid of the outcome?”
Why Awareness Changes Everything
When you find that moment of awareness, you open the door to change. Because awareness is like switching on a light in a dark room. Suddenly you can see the furniture you’ve been tripping over. You can see what’s really there, not just what you’ve been reacting to.
And once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
You begin to notice:
The times you say yes but mean no
The conversations where you shrink your truth
The moments you jump in to “fix” something that’s not yours to fix
And every time you notice, you get to choose differently.
From People Pleasing to Self-Honouring
Breaking the people-pleasing pattern isn’t about swinging to the other extreme and never caring what anyone else thinks. Relationships are about give and take. Sometimes you’ll choose to put someone else’s needs first…and that’s okay when it’s a conscious choice, not a survival reflex.
The difference is this:
When you act from a place of self-honouring, there’s no resentment bubbling underneath. There’s no gnawing discomfort in your body. You’re giving from overflow, not from depletion.
It starts with these steps:
Pause before you respond. Even a few seconds can shift you from autopilot to awareness.
Check in with your body. Notice sensations — they’re your inner compass.
Name your emotion. Is it fear? Guilt? Obligation? Something else?
Ask what you truly want. Without judgment.
Choose with awareness. Whether it’s yes or no, make it your choice.
A Gentle Reminder
If you recognise yourself in this, please know, people pleasing is often a learned survival skill. Many of us developed it in childhood, in workplaces, in relationships where keeping others happy felt safer than speaking our truth.
You don’t need to beat yourself up for it. You don’t need to “get rid of it” overnight. Start with awareness. Start with listening to your body in small, ordinary moments….Even if it’s while you’re having a quiet wee!
Because the truth is, your body has been whispering to you all along:
“I’m here. I know. Please listen to me.”
And when you do, you’ll find something far more precious than anyone’s approval… you’ll find the space of you.
If this has sparked something, reach out for a Curiosity Chat. I may give you just the right tip to start you on the journey home.
From my Heart to Yours
Zoe x